I just want a tablespoon of understanding

So, no one in my life currently understands that I find it physically drained to meet anyone I don’t know. Let alone after a long day of meetings and social business events. I just want to be in my room cuddled up like a cat with AC on, with my near and dear loved ones. Yeah, exactly, near and dear loved ones, but them only! Is it too complicated a sentence for people to understand, it simply means yes I love going out with you if you are my close friend, but no I hate going with your friends, and yes I am killing your friend(s) in my head in all different ways if you force/ambush me to go out with someone I don’t know well.

With my work hours literally engulfing my entire survival, I feel like I am just a working person, not a daughter, not a sister, not a friend, not a girlfriend. I am in desperate need for breaks, but I don’t like going out alone either.

If your parents are always going out with each other or their friends, your friends have other large groups of friends, your brother has his friends and your boyfriend has his friends to go to movies with, who do you go out with.

Amidst all this, if you are suffering inside every day from a disease that always renders you tired, depressed (not sad! yeah fuckers learn the difference before asking me why are your depressed or asking me to cheer up), pain in every part of your body or some of them all the time, and still you have to display your smiling supportive best self to your workplace, your business partners, your investors, and your family, because they already consider you a fragile flower with boobs in an impossible journey to build an empire.

I am still tired now, but happy because I wrote down some stuff, it feels great, but life really sucks sometimes, especially for an entrepreneur (a female one at that). After a hard months work if I just get a simple cozy dinner in a good enough place with just my mom dad and brother or just my boyfriend, wouldn’t that be great? But none of them have any time to spend with me. I used to be okay being alone, but just okay is not enough right?

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When you are too afraid to face your fears

Something at the back of our minds, all the time, a fear, a sense of dread. Like what happens if I get fired, what happens if my company shuts down, what happens if I get that sudden phone call that someone I dearly love has passed away or is very severely injured. When too much of that thought worries you, you resort to distractions, by feeling nice and happy and hopeful, and in total control of your life. Some people smoke, some drink, some play games, some have sex and some watch a lot of TV. All of the entertainment industry has been designed around the very phenomenon of tiredness of that constant fear of destruction and reality. We are all very protective of ourselves, genetically evolved that way. We want to make sure that the privilege of having emotions doesn’t destroy us in the daily mishaps of life.

But how do we not let it affect us? Well if it is not affecting your goals or dreams, then go ahead and have a healthy break. But even if you are watching 4 hrs of tv every day, that amounts to about 2 months of tv a year. Same with games, if you play even 2 hrs of a game every day, say after dinner, it is one month lost in a year. Feeling better now? Well, maybe facing the reality is better than running from facing the truth of a possible destruction of our lives. But it is easier said than done right?

Gonna go watch some Homeland, they always catch the terrorists there. XD

I am busy

I have been saying that a lot, past few days. It has been hectic. But at the back of my mind, I feel what if I missed out on something today. Forgot to mention that important deadline to my teammates, missed doing something I am supposed to do today. What if I am missing out on giving due attention to my relationships, families, health and my poop. What if I end up alone, with my family members buried, myself in a hospital bed needing a colonoscopy. I know this happens to more or less everyone at 60. But my fear is what if this happens next year or the year after that or 5 years down the line. What if I forget to look at my long-term vision in the attempts of fulfilling today’s deadlines. What if by living one day at a time I end up with millions of pieces of my life broken apart and not pieced together. What if I just remain ordinary.

Body shaming

Body shaming comes in all forms, your Mom giving you snide comments about how your attire shows you are fat. Like every day. This started since I was a kid, even when I was 5 years old, I was not allowed to wear any shorts. Comfortable non sexual shorts was an issue. I was fat then but it would have been comfortable for me. Wearing full length dresses, did not stop me from getting molested as a kid. Then wtf. It just boils my blood to hear the comments. Being hypothyroid doesn’t help, it is so freaking hard to stay on a exercise schedule and run two companies to just maintain what I look like now. But who cares right? I don’t know why but I don’t care what anyone else says but somehow my mother’s words affect me a lot. Atleast if I ever have a kid,I won’t constantly ridicule him or her about that.

Who controls me?

I have no control over any aspect of my life, I am an entrepreneur with two companies, one of them funded another bootstrapped. I don’t own a house, I tried finding a place of my own to live on sharing basis with my co-founder, and we were fucked off from the society (as it happens to be a male and female combination). I live with my parents and recently turned 23. I have no control over what I can do at home, I do not have any privacy, nor can I renovate my room that makes it comfortable for me. I hardly see my Dad, mostly Mom is around, I have no freedom to make something for myself in the kitchen, and my room is too small to call it bedroom + study + kitchen. My room has an attached balcony which is filled with dust, plants, clothes, washing machine, and in a very disorganized way. Yeah, I don’t like things thrown here and there. My entire family is exactly opposite, they throw things here and there all the time. So, I live in a messy house with no control of food or privacy. I don’t have any female friends here in Kolkata to share a flat with, and I cannot afford a 2-3 BHK flat. My personal life is a secret because I am not “legally” partnered (and I don’t want to put legally in personal), which obviously is a concern for my investors as I am a female co-founder without a  mind-blowing degree. One of the companies is answerable to an investor, and the other one to clients. I have no control over sleep as apparently, that is controlled by my hormones.

Mediocrity sucks!

Mediocrity in thinking, living a life, loving someone, starting a business, I hate all of those. But, excellence is a rare find and is extremely energy consuming. I am afraid that to gratify the needs of mediocre people around me (which is necessary btw because I report those people) I am being pulled to become the part of the mediocre human pack. When each day I try to push for excellence, it gets so frustrating. I guess it is easier to be mediocre. I am amazed at how we all, despite being aware of our limited time here cannot let go of the callousness in our behaviour while we have a conversation or work on something. It pisses me off when people take life for granted and interpret my actions by the scope of same indifference that exists in most of our surroundings. They pull me down by commenting incessantly about how everything I do or believe in is stupid or not important. No wonder I find myself in a position where it is easier for me express myself in the lost tranches of the world wide web.

I want to believe that remote surgery is possible, where a doctor operates via a remote surgery bot from Mayo to India. I want to believe we can plant so many trees again on both sides of each and every road, that everyone forgets how dusty their surroundings were. I want to believe that sanitary napkins are a necessity and not a privilege. I want to believe that the key to our country becoming developed is the end of corruption and the end of corruption starts with digital payments, where nobody can slip a 2000 rs note under the table, and own several lands and refuse to pay taxes. Not only do I want to believe that, but I want to give my life to make thousands of other lives better. I am sick of the basic human mediocrity that lets a child die of hunger in the streets, and that makes it okay for water to be a scarcity for the majority of us in the coming years, while the industrially and domestically privileged continue to abuse the natural resource. I hate mediocrity, it sucks! And I won’t let it pull me down.

Fear Amidst Stability

When a soul is drowning in the darkness of his fear,
while smiling among the seashells present here.
Under the gleaming rays of sunshine,
What do you make of that soul?
How do you save that soul from drowning,
Do you leave him be?
or, do you guide him towards that road,
that leads him to his home?
Will he believe the path,
In the cloud of panic,
Or would he follow the seashells
Or would he just lie down,
and wait for the waves to take him far away.