I have no control over any aspect of my life, I am an entrepreneur with two companies, one of them funded another bootstrapped. I don’t own a house, I tried finding a place of my own to live on sharing basis with my co-founder, and we were fucked off from the society (as it happens to be a male and female combination). I live with my parents and recently turned 23. I have no control over what I can do at home, I do not have any privacy, nor can I renovate my room that makes it comfortable for me. I hardly see my Dad, mostly Mom is around, I have no freedom to make something for myself in the kitchen, and my room is too small to call it bedroom + study + kitchen. My room has an attached balcony which is filled with dust, plants, clothes, washing machine, and in a very disorganized way. Yeah, I don’t like things thrown here and there. My entire family is exactly opposite, they throw things here and there all the time. So, I live in a messy house with no control of food or privacy. I don’t have any female friends here in Kolkata to share a flat with, and I cannot afford a 2-3 BHK flat. My personal life is a secret because I am not “legally” partnered (and I don’t want to put legally in personal), which obviously is a concern for my investors as I am a female co-founder without a mind-blowing degree. One of the companies is answerable to an investor, and the other one to clients. I have no control over sleep as apparently, that is controlled by my hormones.
Mediocrity in thinking, living a life, loving someone, starting a business, I hate all of those. But, excellence is a rare find and is extremely energy consuming. I am afraid that to gratify the needs of mediocre people around me (which is necessary btw because I report those people) I am being pulled to become the part of the mediocre human pack. When each day I try to push for excellence, it gets so frustrating. I guess it is easier to be mediocre. I am amazed at how we all, despite being aware of our limited time here cannot let go of the callousness in our behaviour while we have a conversation or work on something. It pisses me off when people take life for granted and interpret my actions by the scope of same indifference that exists in most of our surroundings. They pull me down by commenting incessantly about how everything I do or believe in is stupid or not important. No wonder I find myself in a position where it is easier for me express myself in the lost tranches of the world wide web.
I want to believe that remote surgery is possible, where a doctor operates via a remote surgery bot from Mayo to India. I want to believe we can plant so many trees again on both sides of each and every road, that everyone forgets how dusty their surroundings were. I want to believe that sanitary napkins are a necessity and not a privilege. I want to believe that the key to our country becoming developed is the end of corruption and the end of corruption starts with digital payments, where nobody can slip a 2000 rs note under the table, and own several lands and refuse to pay taxes. Not only do I want to believe that, but I want to give my life to make thousands of other lives better. I am sick of the basic human mediocrity that lets a child die of hunger in the streets, and that makes it okay for water to be a scarcity for the majority of us in the coming years, while the industrially and domestically privileged continue to abuse the natural resource. I hate mediocrity, it sucks! And I won’t let it pull me down.
When a soul is drowning in the darkness of his fear,
while smiling among the seashells present here.
Under the gleaming rays of sunshine,
What do you make of that soul?
How do you save that soul from drowning,
Do you leave him be?
or, do you guide him towards that road,
that leads him to his home?
Will he believe the path,
In the cloud of panic,
Or would he follow the seashells
Or would he just lie down,
and wait for the waves to take him far away.
A four letter word, but enough to emotionally shatter a person or an entire family. Planning for an entire life together, and all it takes is a small non-threatening lump in the lungs to destroy that. They say smoking is bad for health. They say smoking causes cancer in lungs. He never smoked his entire life. That guy in a train in Orissa was looking forward to starting a new life. He never made it to the new city. We call ourselves the rulers of this world, guess it is really not us. They say humans have got an evolutionary gift, I think it is a curse. The curse of intelligence, that makes us the weakest link ever formed in terms of survival rate. Well, we did defeat the rest of the species in terms of numbers which is the one and the only reason we still “rule” this planet. To hell with intelligence, that is also creating special weapons to destroy us.
To top it all of, the systems we created ourselves, wrote thousands of lines of instructions to ultimately not work as we wanted them to. #bug #lifeofadeveloper
So, it leads me to believe that what we created was ghosts in the machine. Random segments of code, that have grouped together to form unexpected protocols. Unanticipated, these free radicals engender questions of free will, creativity, and even the nature of what we might call the soul.[quoted from a movie I,Robot] But, we can see that happening in real life via various AIs. So, what we coded might actually be the end of us.
It is the time we really “evolve” in terms of superiority as a species, safeguard ourselves against diseases and other random threats using that supposedly useful brains of ours.
It was merely a coincidence that out of one of the million sperms that got released that day, one of them made you. My dad would never be an engineer today, if not for a random guy in his club insulting his intellectual abilities. My mom and dad would never have gotten married if not for my mom wearing a random tikka which she seldom wore in a random event. I would never have met the love of my life, if not for a random college with a roll number system in a random lab grouping us in random groups. Woah! Lots of random there. Have you ever imagined what your life would be like if one of those random things never happened? Life is just a set of coincidences. It is about making most out of it. The only things you can control in your life are the choices you make, when life throws one at you.
Some call it an addiction, some call it love, and some say that it is a fucked up set of feelings which has somehow got the master switch to control you. It hurts, hurts so bad that can make a cold-hearted bitch shed tears. The pain is intense, as much as 21 Guns shooting your heart. Then just when you think you are strong enough to deal with everything that comes along, a picture in the folder at the corner of your cloud storage is all it takes to take you at the barrel of the gun again. The name popping up in the dialer is all it takes to form that lump on your throat. Suffocating you with the sudden waves of emotion. Well, this goes on for pretty long time, till you get used to the pain.
Now, if you are really patient enough with yourself, you are whole enough to enjoy a beautiful sunset. And, that is when you take shelter, shelter from your feelings, shelter from your past. You are scared to lose your sanity again, and you are scared to suffocate alone in the shelter. And, while swimming in these waves you realize that it has taken you back to the start. That, my friend, is how anybody ever gets addicted to anything.
Then, you learn to not let go, but be at peace with the highs and lows of your own messy self. Time doesn’t heal you, it just teaches you that.
People say I am fire. Some say I am Hitler. Some say I am fiery grilled chicken. Well, I say I am just a person who is free enough to have her own views. And if you cannot convince me with your views, I am not pushover enough to shove your view down my throat. And I will put my own views forward on why I have them. If you are not convinced, to hell with that. I don’t really mind that.
Maybe having a set of boobs has made the difference, maybe I am not supposed to be arrogant enough to stand up for what I believe. I would be a hypocrite if I said that it doesn’t bother me entirely. But when the people who know me in the best way, raise questions on my character and they are the people I actually care about, it becomes quite a herculean task to take the criticisms positively.
When people you love find you impossible to bear with, it raises a sense of self-doubt that I am not particularly happy about. When people you have never intended to hurt get hurt, that is when this freedom becomes a burden.
Then I keep wondering, how do I make myself better. The only way is to lose the faith in me that I have since I was a kid, and become someone else. I can never let that happen.