What if I had not prepared for that exam that seemed so important that I said no to life. That I said no to my teenage years and early adulthood. What if I had given a little more effort in the person I wanted to be with. What if I had spent some more time with my loved ones whom I feel like I had abandoned.
What happens when you keep wondering about so many what if’s? Your present becomes a rewind play of your past. You keep looping into that infinite possibilities of what could you be today IF something had happened or something had never happened.
I now have learnt to believe that, whatever wrongs and rights I did in my life, that I was the best I could do at that point. Because sometimes in that dark lonely night, it is enough if you are just able to save yourself from your destructive thoughts.
And, also because if you keep thinking about everything, instead of living your life, it won’t be long before you will be wondering what if I had done something about it, while lying there on our deathbed with a gleaming white light entering through a nearby window, making you realize how not important were those issues you fought for, and how important were those things that you gave up on that easily.
At 6, didn’t believe in fairytales, or ghosts.
At 26, looking at the emptied ice cream box with a scoop left, she knew her lover never left her.
Started believing fairy tales again.
What do you do when your headache doesn’t go away? When that thought in your mind doesn’t leave you ever? You try walking around the swimming pool, you try breathing exercises, but nothing works. The puzzles and questions of what ifs and tomorrow, biting your brain to the last bit. You spend a part of your processing power fighting it, trying to understand it. But then, it exhausts you so much that you want to give up fighting altogether. The crippling insecurities making you numb at times. I don’t really know why I am rambling, though. All I can say is that giving up is your choice. You can or cannot do that. No one really cares about that. My memory is something I hate, it remembers stuff I don’t want to remember and forgets stuff I want to have a memory of.
So, all you can do when this happens is have a sleeping pill and sleep like a baby, preferably cuddling a cat.
For how long will you let the fear,
drive you crazy, my dear!
Your dreams will float away,
the kind of future you imagined,
the beliefs that you had,
will be washed by the waves,
like a sand castle too weak to defend itself.
Us millennials are so baffled with fright,
that we are fighting liberalism,
and destroying the hard earned,
longest peaceful time in the history.
For the first time more people are dying,
not for hunger, but for eating too much.
More people are dying by choice,
than in wars and strikes.
This was a path of progress,
which we unitedly neglect,
and proceed with our old ways.
Building warships and nukes,
striking other countries and combats.
We directed our fears in the past,
but now fear drives us.
We are scared of hate and,
we are scared to love.
If you let the demon of terror,
muddle your hopes and trust.
It won’t be long before you let,
your life and planet drift away.
Drowning, gasping for air
When you are not so glad to be there
Then you come up and see the lights
The blue sky and the blue ocean
Separated by a thin horizon.
In the next moment you are flying,
Like a bird who has never used its wings,
The thrill, the rush of ecstacy, and the warmth,
The kind that keeps you awake for years,
And then suddenly you fall deep into the ocean,
Gasping for air, feeling helpless again.
The cold waves hitting the warm memories.
You wish you had never flown there.
The invisible pain of drowning,
And the invisible pain of bleeding,
You wish you had never been alive.
But then you swim through this,
And smile back at everyone you see.
Because the addiction called love,
has taken its prey, my friend.
And it is going to be years,
Before the hurt ends.
How do you know what is right,
And what is wrong?
From guilt, failure, past whatevers,
How do you know when to move on?
When life has a glitch,
And you cannot fix it,
How do you keep yourself running?
And not fall down.
Shackles of life are holding your hands,
How do you find your ground?
When everything else is pulling you back.
There is nothing called right and wrong,
For the world works around a slippery gray ground.
So, liberate yourself from the rules of life,
For there is no such thing to define.
My grandpa pointed out yesterday about how materialistic our generation has become. I argued that it is the increased competition in this fast paced world that has sucked the lives out of our generation. And we have given up our hopes of permanent happiness, and rely on short bursts of pampering ourselves with materialistic pleasure. I should actually be happy with everything I have. But frankly, gifting myself this phone from my pocket money just gave me a sense of excitement for a few hours. While deep inside I am lonely permanently, I crave for understanding from a fellow human being. I crave for success. I also crave for parts of those cheesy fairy tales of ever afters. But then I imagine cuddling three little cats and doze off to sleep with the phone screen lightened up with cat pictures. 😀